After my last post, someone asked me "How can someone like you struggle with low self-esteem?" I had to think about that for a little bit. I really don't think I have low self-esteem. I don't think I ever have. But, I admit, I did look up the definitions and the differences between what low self-esteem was and insecurities are. Self Esteem has to do with feeling of worth and competency and knowing your ability. Being insecure has to do with doubting yourself and lacking confidence especially when vulnerable.
As a Christian, I know my self worth. I know I'm a child of God and am loved beyond measure. As a daughter, I was always told of my worth and knew I was loved. Not because of anything I did or was, but just because I was me. As a wife, oh yeah, I know how much I do and am needed around the house. (maybe not always appreciated, but always loved) As a mother, whew! I know my kids wouldn't be where they are today if it hadn't been for my part in their lives. (They might not realize my total worth yet, but I do.) As a woman, I know all the things I can do and how well I can do them. (and do many of them all at once)
I think most people have issues with being insecure in some way or another. Some of them are just better at hiding it or pretending they aren't. There will always be someone who is taller, better looking, richer, a better salesman, etc. It's the way we deal with being insecure or our insecurities that is most important. We can either retreat (which is not healthy), or we can use this "issue" to better ourselves. I choose the latter. As hard as it may be to not compare, or to not be anxious, I'll keep going out there. My dreams are bigger than my fears.
Saturday, May 4, 2013. The day of my competition finally came! the NPC Southern Colorado and Armed Forces Figure, Bikini, Physique, and Natural Bodybuilding Competition.
I wasn't nervous until Friday night. I knew my family and some friends were coming. "What if there isn't anyone else in my divisions to compete against, and I win, but it really wasn't earned? What if there are many women in my divisions to compete against, and I look like I don't even belong on stage after working so hard for all these months?!" Why was I being so insecure? I knew how hard I had trained for this.
You see, for my whole life, I was the "baby" of the family. I was "pretty little" Julie. I was cute. But, compared to all my friends, I was a late bloomer. In fact, I'm still waiting to "bloom". I grew up always being told that I was pretty, but I still felt quite insecure about my body. I was always very skinny and always the smallest one in everything I was involved in. I was never great in sports because of my size, but I did do cheerleading, (and of course was reminded over and over that Cheerleading wasn't a sport) and I always sang in the choirs. I knew I was good at singing, and I enjoyed it so much! You don't have to be "big", the most popular, or the most beautiful to sing. I sang all through Elementary, Junior High, and High School.
When I was an adult, I was so blessed to have the opportunity to sing with a wonderful worship team at my church. Anyone who didn't really know me would think I loved the spotlight. Even some of those closest to me had no idea how much it took out of me each time I went out on that stage to sing. Each time I went out there, it took so much for me not to focus on what everyone would be thinking about me. I worried they would be comparing me to the other singers, wishing someone else would be singing instead of me, or just waiting for me to make a mistake. My prayer every time was to keep my focus where it should be, and I really had to focus hard to lose myself in my worship. Being vulnerable before God and people. I admit, there were some Sundays I probably just went through the motions. (Thank you God for truly knowing my heart.) The amount of emotion I had to use to mentally prepare myself each time to go out there was crazy. While I was out singing, I could lose myself in worship, and when I was done, I was exhausted. Then, one Sunday, it only took one comment from one person that made it impossible to keep my focus again. I only sang a few more times before I knew I just didn't have it in me to keep going back out there. Judging....When it is done to hurt or in no way can be meant to help or improve someone, just don't do it. You have no idea what it can do to someone's heart.
Well, fast forward (I don't even know how many years) to Saturday. I am stepping out onstage to literally be in the spotlight, and to be judged against other women. How am I doing this? All I know is that it's much easier to be in front of people who are judging you to better you and not to cut you down. Yes, the "judging" was being done to compare and so we each have confirmation of what we have been working and training towards for the past months. Also, so we know what we can do to better ourselves if we choose to. As far as the insecurities, oh yeah, they are still there. For weeks before the contest, I had to hear how skinny I was getting and looked. Believe me. That is not something I was working towards or was wanting to hear. That is part of the process, but when my overall objective is to compete and show a small degree of muscularity and muscle tone, I don't want to appear just as "skinny". I am so grateful for the reassurance of my Coach, Jaime Lee Cash. She kept telling me to "trust the process" and that it was all an illusion when I would be up on that stage. I was amazed that although I was clearly not as muscular as some of the women, I certainly didn't look "skinny" once up on that stage. Thank you for that and for so much more Jaime.
As I look forward to my next competition in 4 weeks, I know I will still have to fight the insecurities. I'm sure they will always be there in some way or another. But I am so excited to take what I learned from this last weekend and start working on some changes so I can continue to compete in this weird world I've found a place in.
Do I miss singing worship? All the time. But I won't ever subject myself to that kind of judging again. I prefer my worship in private these days. Am I totally comfortable being out on stage in the spotlight? Absolutely not. But I know each time I step out there and am vulnerable to the opinions of all the people who are watching, I'll remember what it took for me to get to that stage, and I know that the majority of the people who are there and are watching know what it took for me to get to that stage. I'll become better. Insecurities, Judging, and Vulnerability....they can be good things.
