Dream Big So Your Fears Become Small

After my last post, someone asked me "How can someone like you struggle with low self-esteem?"  I had to think about that for a little bit.  I really don't think I have low self-esteem.  I don't think I ever have.  But, I admit, I did look up the definitions and the differences between what low self-esteem was and insecurities are.  Self Esteem has to do with feeling of worth and competency and knowing your ability.  Being insecure has to do with doubting yourself and lacking confidence especially when vulnerable.
As a Christian, I know my self worth.  I know I'm a child of God and am loved beyond measure.  As a daughter, I was always told of my worth and knew I was loved.  Not because of anything I did or was, but just because I was me.  As a wife, oh yeah, I know how much I do and am needed around the house.  (maybe not always appreciated, but always loved)  As a mother, whew!  I know my kids wouldn't be where they are today if it hadn't been for my part in their lives.  (They might not realize my total worth yet, but I do.)  As a woman, I know all the things I can do and how well I can do them.  (and do many of them all at once)
I think most people have issues with being insecure in some way or another.  Some of them are just better at hiding it or pretending they aren't.  There will always be someone who is taller, better looking, richer, a better salesman, etc.  It's the way we deal with being insecure or our insecurities that is most important.  We can either retreat (which is not healthy), or we can use this "issue" to better ourselves.  I choose the latter.  As hard as it may be to not compare, or to not be anxious, I'll keep going out there.  My dreams are bigger than my fears.

Insecurities, Judging, and Vulnerability

Saturday, May 4, 2013.  The day of my competition finally came!  the NPC Southern Colorado and Armed Forces Figure, Bikini, Physique, and Natural Bodybuilding Competition.
I wasn't nervous until Friday night.  I knew my family and some friends were coming.  "What if there isn't anyone else in my divisions to compete against, and I win, but it really wasn't earned?  What if there are many women in my divisions to compete against, and I look like I don't even belong on stage after working so hard for all these months?!"  Why was I being so insecure?  I knew how hard I had trained for this.

You see, for my whole life, I was the "baby" of the family.  I was "pretty little" Julie.  I was cute.  But, compared to all my friends, I was a late bloomer.  In fact, I'm still waiting to "bloom".   I grew up always being told that I was pretty, but I still felt quite insecure about my body.  I was always very skinny and always the smallest one in everything I was involved in.  I was never great in sports because of my size, but I did do cheerleading, (and of course was reminded over and over that Cheerleading wasn't a sport) and I always sang in the choirs.  I knew I was good at singing, and I enjoyed it so much!  You don't have to be "big", the most popular, or the most beautiful to sing.  I sang all through Elementary, Junior High, and High School.

When I was an adult, I was so blessed to have the opportunity to sing with a wonderful worship team at my church.  Anyone who didn't really know me would think I loved the spotlight.  Even some of those closest to me had no idea how much it took out of me each time I went out on that stage to sing.  Each time I went out there, it took so much for me not to focus on what everyone would be thinking about me.  I worried they would be comparing me to the other singers, wishing someone else would be singing instead of me, or just waiting for me to make a mistake.  My prayer every time was to keep my focus where it should be, and I really had to focus hard to lose myself in my worship.  Being vulnerable before God and people.  I admit, there were some Sundays I probably just went through the motions.  (Thank you God for truly knowing my heart.)   The amount of emotion I had to use to mentally prepare myself each time to go out there was crazy.  While I was out singing, I could lose myself in worship, and when I was done, I was exhausted.  Then, one Sunday, it only took one comment from one person that made it impossible to keep my focus again.  I only sang a few more times before I knew I just didn't have it in me to keep going back out there.  Judging....When it is done to hurt or in no way can be meant to help or improve someone, just don't do it.  You have no idea what it can do to someone's heart.

Well, fast forward (I don't even know how many years) to Saturday.  I am stepping out onstage to literally be in the spotlight, and to be judged against other women.  How am I doing this?  All I know is that it's much easier to be in front of people who are judging you to better you and not to cut you down.  Yes, the "judging" was being done to compare and so we each have confirmation of what we have been working and training towards for the past months.  Also, so we know what we can do to better ourselves if we choose to.  As far as the insecurities, oh yeah, they are still there.  For weeks before the contest, I had to hear how skinny I was getting and looked.  Believe me.  That is not something I was working towards or was wanting to hear.  That is part of the process, but when my overall objective is to compete and show a small degree of muscularity and muscle tone, I don't want to appear just as "skinny".   I am so grateful for the reassurance of my Coach, Jaime Lee Cash.  She kept telling me to "trust the process" and that it was all an illusion when I would be up on that stage.  I was amazed that although I was clearly not as muscular as some of the women, I certainly didn't look "skinny" once up on that stage.  Thank you for that and for so much more Jaime.

As I look forward to my next competition in 4 weeks, I know I will still have to fight the insecurities.  I'm sure they will always be there in some way or another.  But I am so excited to take what I learned from this last weekend and start working on some changes so I can continue to compete in this weird world I've found a place in.   

Do I miss singing worship?  All the time.  But I won't ever subject myself to that kind of judging again.    I prefer my worship in private these days.  Am I totally comfortable being out on stage in the spotlight?  Absolutely not.  But I know each time I step out there and am vulnerable to the opinions of all the people who are watching, I'll remember what it took for me to get to that stage, and I know that the majority of the people who are there and are watching know what it took for me to get to that stage.  I'll become better.  Insecurities, Judging, and Vulnerability....they can be good things.

Badge of Courage, Badge of Strength

It's been a couple weeks since I've checked in.  Things have been good. Lots of thoughts going through my head.  Training is good.  I'm confident, per my Coach, I'm where I need to be as far as my weight goes, and she is continuing to tweak my nutrition as we get closer to my first competition.  It's only three weeks away.  I'm "trusting in the process" and following my macro-nutrient guidelines to the letter!
I had posing practice last weekend.  Who knew that two hours of holding poses could make you more sore than a regular workout!!!  I had a momentary meltdown when I was done as I started the whole comparison thing again.  I was practicing with three other girls who are in awesome shape.  However, they are also different ages, heights, and were at different starting points than I was at.  I just need to remember this is about how far I have come.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't do this to compete against myself.  I want to win, and I want to be on stage and look like I can win, but I know where I was when I started, and I know I am in better shape now to compete than I ever could have before or on my own.  Thank you Jaime Lee Cash and Max Muscle Highlands Ranch!

This week I was with my sister in Phoenix.  It was another Chemo week for her.  Not that great of a week, so I'm glad I was able to be there to help her.  (and I still got my workouts in every day)  While I was down there, I really got to thinking about......hair.  That's right, hair.  Or, not having any.  Mary has pretty much lost all of hers now.  People, at least some of my friends, have told me how great it is that I had shaved my hair in support of her.  Some people, that I hardly even know, have even asked about it and said how great they thought it was.  People say they don't think they could ever do something like this and how could I do it.  Well, thank you, of course for thinking it's special.  Thanks for saying something when a lot of people are afraid to say anything at all.  But what doing it has really made me think about, and what I want people to know, is what I've learned SINCE doing it.  It has taught me to really respect, and realize how much courage and strength these women with cancer have.  They have been programmed that when they lose their hair, it's not attractive so they need to cover their bare head with a hat or scarf.  Well, that ticks me off so much!!  I say you have more than earned it, so rock it!  Show it off!  Wear it like a Badge of Strength that you have earned!  I wish all the little girls who are fighting different cancers and have lost their hair would have moms that teach them it doesn't matter what shape your head is.  You don't need ponytails.  You rock that bare head because you have earned it!  I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I could never shave my head because of the shape of my head."  Well, if it would come down to it, you could, and you would rock it!  It's 10% razor and 90% attitude.  And if you have no choice, than you earned it, and it's your Badge! 

My sister and her hair, or lack of it now, truly has earned her badge of courage and strength!  She has shown me that even on that week when she knows she is feeling good, (her "off" week) that she can face this battle with laughter and strength.  On the day before Chemo, when she has to be feeling a bit down because she knows what the week ahead has in store, she takes that one day at a time, still gets through the day, and gets things done.  When she is sitting in that chair on Chemo day hooked up to the IV's, she knows how it is going to make her feel, but she is doing it because she knows that the end result is what she needs to focus on.  The days after her Chemo, she feels like crap. one side effect leaves and another one takes its place.  She still gets out of bed, does as much as she can every day.  She does this week after week, knowing she has a long road ahead.  Tell me she hasn't earned the right to show off that beautiful badge of strength and courage.  Her beautiful, bare head.

So, I too, will wear my shaved hair (and it has already grown considerably since cutting it) as a badge of courage and strength.  When I go to the store, a restaurant, or a hockey game, I will be proud to represent my sister and my friends that lost their hair (Roz, Beth, Melissa).  My friends who battled and beat breast cancer but didn't lose their hair, (Tracy, Verleen, Mom, my Mother-in-Law) have taught me Courage.  They don't wake up each day and worry about whats waiting in the future.  You should live each day to the fullest and give your best to your family and friends.  Surround yourself with the positive.  I am fortunate to know so many of you! 

I can only hope to be as strong and courageous as them all some day.  I'm learning.

A "Good Friday"

Friday, 3/29/13
Today was an easy workout.  Just a Cardio day.  Boom!  Got that done!
Had a good morning with my daughter Lyndsey and grandson Kai looking at houses.  Kai didn't even bat an eye that Gigi looked a little different.

I met with my Coach at Max Muscle today.  I got my measurements done and pics.  Finally feeling happy about where I am at, and I know it's where I need to be for competing in a few weeks.  There might be some people, when looking at me on the outside, they see something different.  Some might think I'm too old.  Some might think I'm too skinny.  Some might think they could do  better.  But I know what's going on, how hard I've worked and am working, and I'm okay with it.  I'm very excited!  The bodybuilding/figure competing world is an interesting one to understand, and if you're not in it, it really does look strange from the outside.  If you're in it, it is very easy to get wrapped up in only it.

There is a fine line to keeping your priorities straight because it requires so much diligence in training and nutrition.  I'm very thankful that my family has been flexible enough for me to get in to it.  I finally feel like I found something that I love doing and that is just for me.  

When I first started working out, I was waiting for my family and friends to see the changes in my body that I was seeing.  I could see my muscles growing.  Why couldn't they??  Then my reasons changed for working out.  I started looking at myself and realizing it was for me.  No one else, but for me.  

Had a great time at a party with good friends tonight.  Went commando. (aka: no hair)  I was okay.  Good friends, good times, good break.

It was a "Good Friday" .  Not the traditional Good Friday in the way that I used to celebrate it.  However, I do know what the day is really about, and just because I wasn't observing it as I used to, I was still very aware of what the day is about.  The day my Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified.  The day He gave His life for me to pay for my sins.  What a loving, unselfish God we all have the opportunity to know.  

I Chose To

Thursday, 3/28/13 Crystal met me at the gym for our workout.  It was a Plyometric workout.  When my Coach, Jaime, gave me my first Plyo workout I had no idea what it was.  I thought it was just another Cardio workout.  I actually looked it up on google.  "Plyometrics, also known as jump training or plyos, are exercises based around having muscle exert maximum force in as short a time as possible, with the goal of increasing both speed and power.  This training focuses on learning to move from a muscle extension to a contraction in a rapid or explosive way, for example with specialized repeated jumping."  When I get these workouts from Jaime, I look at the Plyo workouts and always think, oh geez, that's going to be easy, or that looks kind of weird, but they always end up kicking my butt!  Thanks Jaime!  

I got to meet my best friend, Jani, for lunch today.  I think she was worried about how I was doing, worried about how my sister was doing, and a bit curious to see how I looked without my hair.  It was so good for me to spend some time with her.  She got me to talk about how I felt about cutting my hair off, and really, for the first time, why I did it.  

Of course, the reason I did it was to make it easier for Mary to do hers.  I did NOT want her to have to shave or lose her hair without me doing it too.  Honestly, it was not as hard for me to do it as it was for her.  I know mine will grow back quickly.  Hers won't.  It was, and is still, sometimes difficult when I walk by a mirror and see myself.  It still doesn't process that it is me.  But I am getting used to it.  Just like every woman does when they get a new haircut or color.  I was/am so paranoid that people are just going to assume that I am the one that is sick with cancer.  After all, why in the world would  a woman CHOOSE to shave her hair off???  Just because.  Maybe because she wants to be wild and crazy.  Maybe because she's a rocker chick.  Maybe a biker chick.  Maybe she is sick and going through cancer or some other kind of treatment that forced her to lose her hair.  Or maybe, she did do it in support of someone she loves.  Whatever the reason, it really isn't that big of a deal I've decided.  We are who we are no matter what we look like on the outside.  Even without our "crown of glory".  (and I had a big crown!)  It makes me so angry that, as a woman, we feel we have to hide our heads with scarves or hats if we don't have any hair.  Yes, it does take some getting used to.  Yes, it does make you feel a bit vulnerable.  (And, yes it is a bit colder.)  But, we are still the same person.  So, when you do see a woman who is wearing a scarf, who has a shaved head or who has lost her hair, it's okay to look.  Just give her a smile too.  I was thinking everyone was staring at first, but hello....I guess you don't see a woman every day with a shaved head.  I just don't want people feeling sorry for me or thinking I've done this "grand gesture".   I don't feel that way about it.  I just did it.  I chose to do this just to make it easier for Mary to do it.  My sister was the one who didn't have a choice, but I don't think she would want anyone to feel sorry for her either.  It is a part of the process now that she know she has to go through that is temporary, and the process will make her well.

Wednesday, 3/27/13
I flew home from Phoenix today.  I guess I'm needed at home too.
I had lots of catching up to do at home so I didn't make it to the gym until after dinner tonight.  Biceps/Triceps and Cardio was the workout today.  First time back in my gym with my "new haircut".  Not so bad.  Cardio, however, I decided is much easier in Phoenix than it is here.  I still sweat like a pig both places, but it's definitely harder to do here.  I am going to get my weight and measurements done tomorrow.  Very excited.  Always like to see if I am where I am supposed to be at.

Tuesday, 3/26/13  Had a good day with my sister.  We had to go in and get her Neulasta shot, but overall, she felt pretty good (considering) most of the day.  We even made stopped on the way home from the doctors for an outing to the Sprouts store.  And, get this, we went in commando!  No wigs, no hats!  It's pretty cool what you feel like you can do when you do things with someone else.

Had to wear my hat when I went to the gym.  Not so brave when I'm solo.  However, I had to smile when the first song I heard when I turned my music on was my boyfriend (Steven Tyler) singing me my song.  I did 30 minutes Cardio on the Elliptical and then did my Leg workout.  There's not many exercises that I love doing as much as I love to Squat.  It's the one exercise that makes me really feel like I am growing my skinny little legs.  Finished up my workout with 20 minutes more of Cardio on the Stairmaster.  

Good workout today.

Dream On

Monday, 3/25/13  I was with my sister for her second Chemo treatment.  Nothing makes you more grateful for your own problems, issues, aches, or pains than being in a room with 10-12 Cancer patients receiving Chemo for various Cancers.  I am humbled.  I may be the one working out, but my sister is the one who is crazy strong!

After spending the day with Mary at home, I knew it was time for me to get to the gym.  This was my first outing by myself since I had shaved my hair.  I put a bandanna on and a baseball cap on over it.  It really did take a lot for me to walk out the door.  I know, pretty silly.  I stopped off at Target (me procrastinating) to get a couple hats for me and Mary.  This was probably worse than if I had gone straight to the gym.  It's funny who will stare and who doesn't.  Actually, I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.  

I got the hats and had no more excuses.  Oh, I could have kept shopping, but I didn't want to go in to any more stores!  I called my husband for some support, and he reminded me that it really doesn't matter what others think.  It's not about them.  If I want/need to do something bad enough, I just need to do it.  I love him!  (He is living this by example in his new job.)  

I got to the gym.  Oh yes.  There were some who stared.  But I stared back.  Back, Abs, and 50 minutes of Cardio.  I probably had one of my best workouts in quite a while.  At one point (I won't tell you why) I almost even pulled off my hat and scarf!  I know...getting crazy, huh?  When I was finishing up with my Cardio, I heard my favorite song.  For those of you who really know me, it won't be a surprise who sings it.  My rock star crush, Steven Tyler.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6Qd9VR1gD8

Every time when I look in the mirror All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past in gone. It went by like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way. Everybody's got the dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows Where it comes and where it goes

I know it's everybody's sin. You got to lose to know how to win.

Half my life is in books written pages

Live and learn from fools and from sages

You know it's true.  Oh, All these things you do come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years, Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.

Sing with me, just for today.  Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the years, Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.

Sing with me, just for today.  Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.

Dream on, Dream on, Dream on, Dream until your dreams come true.

This has become my song.  It makes so much sense along side of my training, where I am at right now in my life, and along with what I am going through with my sister.

My Season.  Don't live in the past.  You don't know what tomorrow holds.  Have some dreams, but don't wait to go for them.  Start yesterday and work for them today.  My Life.

When to go Public

Back when I started this blog in November, my original intent was for it to be an online diary of sorts for a training log.  I had started going back to the gym pretty regular in September and had set a goal to compete in a Figure Competition some time in 2013.  Other than my immediate family knowing about it, I wasn't planning on sharing this blog or the fact that I was competing with anyone else.  Well, as you can see, I've decided to share it now, and as you can also see, I haven't kept it as a training log and only have made a few entries.  I am a major procrastinator!  I am working to improve on this and started yesterday.

Sunday-3/24/13  Cardio/Abs day.  Because I had shaved my head the night before I couldn't quite manage to get my butt out the door and go to the gym.  (call it an excuse if you must)  However, I put one of my sister's hats on, and went for a run.  Maybe it was a bit of adrenaline, maybe it was my attitude, maybe it was a bit of stress I needed to blow off, or maybe it's just the fact that the elevation here in Phoenix is lower than it is in Denver, but I ran farther without stopping than I have ever done at home!  Almost 3 miles in 31 minutes!  Finished out with 15 more minutes walking.  Then stretched and did my Abs at the "Macht-Simoniello Resort and Spa".

It's been tough keeping my training schedule while traveling back and forth between home and Phoenix to be with Mary, but I'm doing it!  I'm not always consistent on the time of day I'm training, but I am always getting my workout in.  The gyms down here (24 Hour Fitness is where I belong) could definitely use some upgrades!  They are like the gyms at home used to be.  It's amazing how spoiled I've become.  I used to complain about how snobby the 24 Hours were at home and how I used to love the feel of the old gyms.  Now I'm complaining about just the opposite!  Nutrition is pretty easy as I just go to the grocery store the day I get down here and get the stuff I need for the days I plan on being here.

I hope no one thinks I am sharing all this to "toot my own horn" or anything like that.  I am really proud about what I am doing, and it has been really hard work being consistent and sticking to the program, but I think my thought process in finally actually publishing it is so that I am more accountable in making posts.  If no one reads it but me still, that's okay.  It's still mainly for me.  About the Season I am in.  About my Life.





   

It's Almost April????

Wow!  I can't believe that three months of 2013 have already almost gone by.  I really have sat down many many times to write an entry in this blog.  I don't really have an excuse except that I have totally procrastinated doing it, and now, here we are, with three months of the year gone.  
I have had so many different ideas in the past few months of things to write about, but never took the time.  So today, I will write about what I am doing and where I am at today.

So, I am 6 weeks out from competing in my first Figure Competition.  I am training 6 days a week in the gym and following a pretty strict nutrition plan.  I am working with a Coach and nutritionist and I train with Crystal when she is in town, but it seems I am in the gym a lot on my own.  Right now it's about two hours a day in the gym.  I'm relying quite a bit on my Coach for some feedback, because I'm not sure if what I am seeing in the mirror is what I am supposed to be seeing.  I was doing pretty good mentally until the past week or two.  I didn't realize how much mental attitude was going to play into the whole thing.  I'm going to have to work on that part.  I'm confident in the gym, but as soon as I leave the gym, I need some reassurance.

Well, that brings me to where I am at.  Right now I am in Phoenix with my sister.  She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in February.  Her treatment plan started with Chemo two weeks ago.  She has a wonderful husband who is great, but I want to be here for her too because although I know our mom would give anything to be here with her.  It's too tough for her and dad to go back and forth right now, but I have a bit more flexibility.  I plan on being here as much as I can, especially during her chemo weeks.  Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who understands how close I am to my sister.

She has her second Chemo treatment tomorrow.  I got here last Thursday because we expected her hair loss to begin any day.  It started yesterday.  We shaved our heads last night.  I had her shave mine, and then I did hers.  There was no way I was going to let her go bald without me doing it too.  I have it easy.  Mine will grow back fast.  She has a long road ahead.  It was tough this morning.  We did get wigs, but it's not quite the same as your own hair.  It's amazing how, as a woman, secure your hair makes you feel.

I'm down to my last month of training before my contest.  I'm training about every other week in gyms that I'm not familiar with.  My nutrition plan is going to be tightening up, I think, weekly.  I'm not that confident in how I am looking.  I just shaved my hair off.  But hey......I just ordered a beautiful posing suit!!!!