You Can't Go Back

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter.  Although in the calendar year the Seasons are cyclical, in age, once you are in the "Season of Fall" you don't get to go back to Summer or Spring and get to have a do-over.

I don't even know if going back would change things.  When raising children, and they choose to do some really stupid things, things that you'd never expect, you question everything you ever did while they were growing up.  Should we have given them so much, did we give them too much freedom, why didn't we check out their friends better, did we trust them too much, is it because we stopped going to church???  

Well, we can't go back.  All we can do is question why they choose to do what they are doing.  You hope they know right from wrong and good and bad, but when society says something isn't bad or wrong to do, how do you fight that?   We are the bad guys because all their friends are doing these things. Some of their parents even know.   We are the ones who are not going to allow it in our home!

When you find out your children aren't who you thought they were, it is extremely disappointing.  At first, I felt that disappointment was directed at them.  However after a night of tossing and turning, I can't help feeling that disappointment come right back to me and my parenting.  

I can't go back to Summer or Spring.  I'm stuck here in my Season of Fall with all the things that I hate and that aren't easy for me to deal with.  But there is nothing for me to do but to trudge on day to day and just hope and pray that I make the right decisions when it comes to my kids now.  It's not too late, right?

Changing of Colors

Fall.  The air gets dry and the leaves start to change colors.  It can be bittersweet because the colors can be beautiful, but I know it won't be long before the leaves totally dry up and fall off the trees.

Most of my kids are grown.  I have two beautiful daughters and a son in college.  Only one son is still at home full time.  Watching my oldest daughter enjoy her career almost makes me jealous sometimes.  And, watching how good the other daughter is as a young mom makes me wish I could go back and do some things over again.  My son in college is so book smart it's crazy, and yet he has so much learning yet to do!  I'm so thankful for the couple of years I still have left with my youngest at home.

It's so hard to know where to draw the line with my older three between friendship and still being their parent.  It seems the older they get the more we hang out and are like friends than we are like parent/child.  Maybe that's why it might be easier for them to make a comment or say something that they would have never said to me when they were living at home and were younger.  Maybe that's why it makes it seem more disrespectful or hurtful to me when they say some of the things they do.  

It also makes it hard to know how and what punishments to dole out when the ones we are still supporting don't follow the rules.  It would be so easy to act like we have the perfect kids, but although some Facebook posts may seem like that's the case, don't believe it.  When they are so good most of the time but make stupid mistakes, what to do??  

It's a bittersweet time, not only because my kids are becoming adults and leaving our home, but also because having young adults brings many difficult situations and decisions.  Terrible twos, terrible tens, terrible twenties, terrible thirties, etc...  I think once you become a parent, no matter what Season of Life you may be in, you are always the parent and will always have the worry, hurt, discouragement, happiness, praise, and every other feeling you could imagine until life renews itself.  It never get easier. It never goes without hurting.  But when things are good, there is nothing better than the love your kids can give.

Fall-ing

Fall can be a very depressing Season.  It's cold outside so it's easy to just stay in and be by myself.  It gets dark so early by the time I'm ready to fix dinner, sometimes I feel like I just want to go to bed.

These last couple of weeks have been like that for me.  I don't know if it's necessarily depression, but maybe discouragement or just plain feeling sorry for myself.  

Car issues have plagued us these last few weeks non stop.  It's been one thing after another.  It seems like just when you start to dig out, something happens to make you fall in the hole again.  I have to keep reminding myself to be thankful that we had the shovel to dig out in the first place. 

I've also learned the difference between real friendships and those friends who are really those who are more likely to come and go in my life. (Has it really taken me this long to learn this?)  It's very hard for women my age to find and keep good friendships!  I try very hard to be present in my conversations and my time with my friends.  Even my good  friends from my past - I can remember things we did or talked about.  It is very hurtful to me when I see someone who I thought I was good friends with and they can't even remember something pretty basic about me.  Also, when someone asks a question, and before I can even finish my answer, they have already moved on to something else.  Why ask me to begin with?  I am so thankful for the friend I have had for (it seems like forever) a long time and who listens to me as well as knows I will listen to her.  I wish for my daughters to have a friendship like that!  Two great lessons I would love for all four of my kids to learn and live are:  To have a friend, you have to be a friend.  Also, when talking to someone, do not take your eyes off their eyes.  It shows you are interested in what they are saying, and it makes you pay attention to them.  

It's been hard the last couple of weeks at the gym as well.  I've been training for over 3 months.  (and training pretty hard)  There are SO many things that can get me down at the gym!  I see my body changing, but when will anyone else?  Are my goals realistic?  I try not to compare myself with the younger gals, but that is so hard!    Today was leg day and I'm not sure if I've over trained or have an injury, but it was not a good training day.  It's left me wondering if I am going to make it another 5 months!  I wasn't sure how I was going to finish my workout.  I tried the elliptical but that was even too much. So, I went into the basketball court and spent 10 minutes shooting (and making) baskets.   It was something I loved to do when I was young that my Dad taught me.  Although it didn't make my knee feel better, it certainly shook me out of my discouragement.  It wasn't the 20 minutes I was supposed to do, but that 10 minutes was a great finish for my workout.

Yes, this Season of Fall can be a very discouraging one for me if I let it be.  Finances, lonliness, health, aging...   All I can do is shake myself out of it and be thankful for what I do have and for the friendships that I do have.   I will also keep working towards my goals, even if I have to take it a bit slower - It's not over until I've won!